There is always something ‘fishy’ before marriage.

In ancient times amongst suriyani Christian families in kottayam, homes with girls of marriageable age would look for certain prized catches…Well talking of prized grooms, it would be guys who could successfully devour that hardest and most intricate piece of fish during the pennu kaanal* lunch …The ladies at the bride’s home would cook it the day before in richest and spiciest of all spices…On the doomsday. I mean the D-day…the most complex piece of the fish head would be served exclusively for the groom’s plate…it marks the beginning of an epic battle.

The air is tense on that day…even the cats don’t meoooow…forget that they have competition here.

All eyes are trained on the boy and the fish...The fiery fish curry and the quest. Both unbearably HOT!

The bell rings in the nearby parish church...The ammachis at home are reciting the kontha (rosary) in murmurs.... Appachan is talking in hushed manner with the other karnavars…
The bride’s cousins are already gossiping in the other room…

‘WILL HE MAKE IT?’

The guy would be thinking of the years of practice and training he had gone through…karimpumkala shaap**…. He graduated from the best Ivy League F-school (its not what you think.)…The long sessions over a school of fish and kallu…

Yes … the real battle is what matters…The girl’s appachan is an old fox…He got the best possible piece in town…

It is simply too nauseating for the groom’s mother too…In hushed tones she asks her husband.
‘Achaayo…nammalude mon pass aavo…’ (Will our son clear the test?)
Achayan doesn’t like last minute jitters and in a harsh tone...’hmmph…THRESIAAKUTTY!!’

And then…

They all sit down at the dining table. Children are told to leave. It is all going to be adult material in there.

Like the man who loved to revel in big stage, the groom dissects the meen thala*** with Lecterisque ease…The gory cries...
ssspppsssppssssshhaahhaa……pspspssssppspppsssss…ssshhahaa…
The fish brain ease out of the skull due to the huge vacuum created by the skilled fighter’s labial suction.

Meanwhile the umpire Perappans and Appachens are mentally noting the points…they will sit down and tally em in the end…

They examine the kill ...Antonychen’s Power 10 glasses don’t lie after all...They seem to be talking in professional lingo....’ eemballu...meeninte andharkadaakam….’

Was he too fast…Is there any puli (tamarind) sediments still left?
Does the cranium now look like the dinosaur head we saw in Jurassic park?
Did the boy drink a glass of water after that? *Well he is sissy if he did that*

Many question…It was the battle de mother of the pennu kaanal chadangu…Much much harder than Arjuna did with that reflection on pool archery trick…

The girl is simply wondering… Does that guy deserve me?
Last time Johnychayan from kozhencherry was thrown out of home because he had hidden sugar cubes in his mouth…Or Kunjoose who tried to bring his own fish skeleton super cleaned with some ‘safedi ka chamkaar powder’…but that unfortunately got stuck in his trouser pocket…14 stitches is what it took.

WILL MATHAIKUTTY MAKE IT…??

The question that Thavalakuzhi and Mutathupadi family awaits.

After a few minutes the warrior was escorted to the living room…
Mathaikutty is tense...and tired…He is given a glass of brandy for mild relief…

The judges huddled in another room for brainstorming…Gossips run around the kitchens…
Mathaikutty was too loud !!…Mathaikutty was too brusque !!…. Mathaikutty was sweating !!


His friend from Calicut Meenchantha rings his mobile.

’edaa…did you make it’

‘Yes...barely.’

‘Wow…I can’t believe you …’

‘Pray for me...’


The doors creak…The jury is coming out…Crowds gather around chief judge 96 year old Annamma chedathi

‘Hello everyone…calm down ...please calm down’

‘I the chief matriarch of Thavalakuzhi family declare Mathaikutty has cleared the practical for eating our fish curry with CMM level 5 standards’

‘Vakkacha...Kariacha…Thankacha…Mercy...Susy...Gracy…everyone...We have found the right groom for Meency…Now that the major chadangu is over…LETS FIX THE DATES!!’


*Ceremony of visiting the girl’s house before marriage
**The best fish and toddy shop back home
*** Fish head

I was planning to write the recipe for this curry..Hey but c'mon we have professionals here..Do check out this and this. Ultimate fish curries..you wont be disappointed after this.

Just another wedding tale..

When I get bored of the regular dishes it so happens that I attempt something, which I see in food blogs or other foodie websites. But often I face the lingua problem where I would know some stuff in English…. others in Malayalam...and others, which I don’t know in either language. Infact it was quite recently that I came to know that ‘Karugapatta’ is not an obscenity which I thought sounds like so.. or Thymol is not Animol’s sister and Fenugreek is not anywhere from Greece. But then lessons learnt however are lessons learnt isn’t? . I remember the blunder done while I was talking to a German aunty who was offended coz after she told me her name, which was ‘Maggie’ by the way, I couldn’t help but say ‘hahaha…we eat Maggi in India’. Why it happens that we don’t have a blunder warning system installed in our brain to avoid such embarrassing comments.

Neways last week while cleaning up the fridge I was taking out the vegetables in it. There were carrots, capsicums, bhindi’s and several other stuff in there. I cleaned up the refrigerator after a Herculean struggle. Not to mention the small fight I had with roomie for stocking table tennis balls inside the fridge, which I later realized, were mushrooms. It was just a week ago I had caught him for keeping the ‘ice-age DVD’ in the freezer…He says he want to imbibe the soul of the movie. Never mind we always have some serious conflicts at home regarding the content of the fridge.

But the whole point is that a glance on the kitchen table and I saw love in its purest form. It was overwhelmingly emotional and I consider myself lucky to see that. Believe me folks I saw the carrot in love with the bhindi!! Braving the bully Potato and rugged terrains of a cauliflower heap, Carrot overcame the last challenge from onion. Bhindi asked for a slayed onion as a token of appreciation and after a landmark battle, it did finally happen. In a scene reminiscent of dilwale dulhaniya le jayenga on the auspicious day of 2nd of March 2008, Carrot proposed Bhindi..

Being the moral priest I decided to solemnize the wedding between carrot (sole heir of Magnoliophyta family) and Bhindi (beautiful daughter of Abelmoschus esculentus). In what was a very passionate scene the carrot and bhindi embraced at the sanctum sanctorum of my non-stick cooking pan. The mustards cracked in joy to celebrate the momentous occasion. As the carrot applied the chilli sindhoor on bhindi’s forehead, the bride gleamed in happiness. The onion who was opposed to the wedding took it with a pinch of salt and arrived at the ceremony for namesake. The best man Pepper Khan made sure things went well without glitches. And so for ever after or err precisely for 20 minutes the carrot and Bhindi lived happily. Around 1 pm in a tragic fun ride down my GI tract it burned to death after falling on a pool of gastric acids in my stomach. As a mark of respect my shradhanjali for this humble dish.

I discovered am not bad at learning from trying out recipes from other bloggers when i instantly was attracted to try out a chicken dish from this blog.

As soon as i saw the pic in that blog, i was like oh..i should try this out sometime..And since when it comes to food matters i dont really procrastinate..So the chicken was bought and cooked as mentioned in that blog..surprisingly it came out just i wished it was!!

A more intimate look is below:-

folks try out this recipe, it sure is a winner...the bug chef certifies it.. ;-P

Random entry found in Wikipedia.. 2050 A.D

Kerala Fried Chicken (Mathai)
Or popularly know in the west as KFC (M)

KFC (M)'s Fried chicken wings with German beer…KFC (M) is a chicken dish made typically by professional chefs of repute. The spices used in the making are passed over by generations from secret kitchens in kottayam and Trivandrum…Carefully selected chickens that regularly gym and have ample wings are used for the making of this dish.


History

This chicken dish along with beer is considered by many as the single reason for violent incidents in the past like World war II, the crusades and till recently during the battle of Panipat.Scriptures say men who had a pack of chicken wings and a can of Beck’s were often ruthlessly chased by other men until the spoils were shared. Many psychologist have agreed that fried chicken wings and beer are man’s best friends..


Variants
The original KFC (M) is attributed to a blogger who is considered by one and many as ones of the finest chef’s in the world. Due to the humble nature and not being chicken(;-P) about sharing his masterpieces, this dish has been made open source recipe for benefit of disciples.


Million dollar secret
Now come the question of how you make a gem like this. Carefully selected chicken wings are cleaned, massaged and kept aside.3 teaspoons of chicken masala, a tea spoon of chilli powder, pepper powder, salt and half a teaspoon of garam masala is mixed with half cup of curd. Add few drops of lemon juice as well and coat the mix over the chicken wings. Make slits in the wings to allow the masala to hold on well. Keep this mix of chicken and masala aside for one hour. Fry em in hot oil evenly on both sides until they are glowing golden red. Take em out and allow the oil to drain out over the tissues. Serve em hot with sliced onion dipped in lemon and the best German beer you can get hold of...

Influences in Popular culture

It has often been mentioned in ad’s reflecting the popular sentiments .For eg:-
In a recent ad:’

Silly duffer: - “I have 2 houses, 5 sheep’s and a donkey. I ll give em sir!!
..Will ya gimme that KFC (M) with beer”
Hunk sitting on a harley and holding KFC (M) with beer:- “over my dead body…promise the moon. I ll still say nay!!”

Such ads are vindictive of the huge popularity of KFC (M) and celebrities often fight it out to be the brand ambassador of this niche dish.

Consumption muhurthams

It is considered auspicious to have this dish esp. during Sunday afternoons on a couch in front of the TV which is showing live cricket, football or formula 1 race.

Fun activities

This dish can be used for general fun like:-

Consuming it in front of people who are taking lent.
Take a pack and eat in front of politicians/leaders doing hunger strikes.

External links
http://www.becksbeer.com/Default.aspx

Karma de Non Vegetarisch meal

In parts of the world called bachelor malayalee achayans homes , food plays a pivotal part in life.And when we say food it primarily encompasses chicken..lamb..beef..pork..turkey....okay..well anything which has four legs or two legs and weighing less than 3 kilos…

There is this old boast as per my uncle that his blood is pure coz all bacteria is destroyed by generous amounts of Red labels and Chivas Regals maintaining regular presence…Well it is unavoidable since we make sure that there is no shortage of exotic bacterias from chickenguniya's and others of the ilk..The dish for today from this celebrated cook is pure delight for a non-veggie…The meal is ready in 30 min and we are environmentally conscious during the whole process...

Utmost care is taken that no plants are hurt during the making of this meal…

First cook rice..I know many of you might just smirk and say..what is the big deal in that..uh…

Well then let me take through a short history of how difficult it is...

The seeds of the rice plant are first milled using a rice huller to remove the chaff (the outer husks of the grain). At this point in the process the product is called brown rice. This process may be continued, removing the germ and the rest of the husk, called the bran at this point, creating white rice.Whereas brown rice contains all ingredients of a healthy cereal, white rice, without the nutrients of rice germ and rice bran, is a standard in industrialized countries for commercial offerings. Today, parboiling is a first method to move some of the nutrients from the bran to the rice corn before stripping the bran, however the energy requirements are high compared to dry processing technologies.White rice may be also buffed with glucose or talc powder (often called polished rice, though this term may also refer to white rice in general), parboiled, or processed into flour. The white rice may also be enriched by adding nutrients, especially those lost during the milling process. While the cheapest method of enriching involves adding a powdered blend of nutrients that will easily wash off (in the United States, rice which has been so treated requires a label warning against rinsing), more sophisticated methods apply nutrients directly to the grain, coating the grain with a water insoluble substance which is resistant to washing....mm..burp..

After all the above said processes take three cups of rice in a microwaveable vessel and wash it under a tap of water..

Use hand to wash the grains gently without harming the inner crust of each grain.

Note:For a meal for two you might have to roughly wash 3456 grains..

After washing the rice drain the water using a strainer or by cupping the hands and slightly tilting the vessel until water is completely drained out.

Take another cup and gently pour six cup of H20 in this vessel.

Caution:Please make sure that water is uniformly distributed in all corners of the vessel.

Dry your hands using a dry towel.

Note that a wet towel doesn’t serve the purpose.

With utmost care move the vessel to the inner corridors of the microwave oven.

Close the door.

Turn the knob outside to 20 minutes.

Don’t be alarmed by the light that appears inside the inner echelons of the oven.It was part of the trick when God said “Let there be light”

Stand aside half a meter away from the oven and appreciate the graceful circular motions happening inside the Oven..You ll be amazed to see that the water level falls down every 5 minutes..

You still don’t have to be alarmed about it..

When the knob has reached 19 minutes you can call in your friends and little cousin kids for the big moment..

Open the door and cautiously take out the vessel.

Give out a huge sigh..and move both your hands at the same time towards the mouth to show surprise.

Tito..Ditto..Mitto..see uncle’s magic....there is no water in it..and that hard thing I put in has turned soft..Howzzaat…!!

Give a high five to magic uncle..well I wont tell you the secret though...hahaha

After you have impressed the kids with the trick lets get back to business.

Folks..you have learned the first step of this multi course dinner..well in my talking parlances if some one comes for a second helping of rice..it is counted as second course..OK?? everything should be fair isnt?

The second dish is the famed Beef Malarthiyathu the recipie which I revealed to the general public inspite of my apprehension and the fact that it was a well kept secret over the years..

The last item is ofcoz the classic pulliserri..I have huge respect for this curry for the sheer easiness of making this..just crack a few mustards..fry onions, green chillies ..a tomato..add half a teaspoon turmeric ..allow it become a blend and add a cup of water..Simmer it for a minute..add required salt. keep it aside for a few minutes so that it cools down..Add a tin of curd and mix it properly..Pulliserri is ready…the entire process takes hardly 10 min.. :-)

And there we have rice..pullisseri..a beef malarthiyathu..chemeen pickle(not shown in the picture as it was obscenely less) that makes an excellent Sunday lunch..Though I wished we had a nice thoran to go with this..I was a member of “laziness is a virtue club” and hence decided to follow the clubs motto.. ;-P

James Bond meets Egg Bonda…

Source: The M secret dossier

Location:undisclosed

M: Miss Moneypenny as you see… we need a name for our new agent. Do you have any suggestions Miss..?

Miss Moneypenny: affirmative madam. ..Q had recently visited Longitude 33 latitude 46 popularly known as Kerala on a secret mission. Apparently at his majesty’s service he attended a “karayogam” meeting to spy on the communist activities there.

M: Miss Moneypenny as you see I don’t have much time to delve in the details of agent Q’s espionage activities. Would you rather come to the point!

Miss Moneypenny: Excuse me for the brief aberration as I was momentarily reminded of my planned vacation at the Kuttanad resort. Coming to the point... Q tried out some of the alien dishes regardless of his safety during the dangerous mission. In a satellite call last week he send the following message.

“Cobra 1 2 3…Egg Bonda three cartons urgent...Over”

In our track record this is the only message that KGB hasn’t deciphered so far. Let’s call our agent Egg Bond!!.

Felix Leiter: Interjection please agents. I would rather suggest a more British name James Bond unless you want to get sued by Vasu’s thattukada who currently holds the copyrights for Egg Bonda as per our intelligence reports.

M: okay...then please welcome JAMES BOND!!

To cut a long story short the post is about the inspirational egg bonda which I attempted to make recently. In my chequered history of 'mind blowing' and 'gas blowing' culinary exploits I think egg bonda easily can claim the slogan…”You can’t eat just one!”…not that you pass out before finishing the “one”!!

Culinary wise if you can’t make a proper egg dish rule yourself out as cooking for a career coz any egg dish is the easiest tastiest and quickest snack possible...As you all know egg has always been part of our day to day life. It has various advantages other than the proteins and vitamins…It was always employed as a tool of mass protest especially by onlookers during stage shows all over Kerala. The egg has been inspiration for movies like “Andaas Apna Apna” which was later translated to English as “Egg Mine Mine”. It also was sole reason for "French toast revolution" accoriding to historians..

So how you gonna make this trendsetting dish... No worries kids when the big chef is here!! ;-P

You just got to boil a few egg ...Cut them in half and separate out the yolk. Meanwhile sauté a couple of onions .After they are pretty fried up add ginger-greenchillies paste and a few karuvepallas...Also add half a teaspoon of pepper and salt as required. Now you add the yolk and mix the entire stuff for a few minutes until you get a finely blended mix.

Fill up the egg whites with this mix and restore it back into somewhat like an egg shape as shown below.

Once you are done with this the next part is to make a thick batter of Maida or besan with a pinch of salt. Dip the half eggs and deep fry it in oil. Just gotta be careful that you don’t over fry it...A couple of seconds is all it takes.

This egg bonda sure make a good snack with wine or beer.!!

This post is in loving memory of 4936 eggs I have consumed in my life…So much to make the world a better place to live…sigh..

Long long ago just like in the movie “Forrest Gump” I used to be chided for a different reason…Instead of “Run Forrest run!!” it was “Eat Carrots son!!”

I used to wake up in the middle of the night when I used to hear those echoing commands. .”Eat carrots Son!!”

Several years later I began getting threatening mails from PETA and other such organizations. I suspected PETA to be some sort of crime syndicate who were planning to eliminate me if I did not start consuming greener living things. Since my beloved friend Don Corleone was lodged in Tihar Jail at that time I had to succumb to this external pressure. For fear of my dear life after the Bourne ultimatum from the syndicate I had to take the help of Pachakam.com and thus it resulted in the creation of “Carrobrocolina”…
Guys don’t get alarmed by the name...It is not that lethal bacteria which killed the dinosaurs, but infact a extremely vegetarisch dish eaten by a peculiar tribe in Germany. Unfortunately I am the sole surviving member and consumer of this tribe.

As you see from the slide below it is made of:-

Broccoli (not another bacteria again)
Carrot (we probably might have used it as bails for our cricket matches)
Tomatoes (as you know. I always get it from Italy for the authentic touch)
Onions (round shaped balls with an emotional touch)
Green chilies (used as ear buds in 36 B.C by Julius Ceaser’s Grandfather)
Coconut Milk (mm..mm..yes yes…not the kallu)

Keep all of them ready and take 4 hours break to get through the sheer exhaustion of it and between take a snap like this. You will be surprised to know that they are infact more photogenic than us.

Please return to the hell hole..err..the kitchen..and heat oil in pan .If you are the kind of person who says life is boring and there isn’t much fun in living etc..etc..I suggest to pour half a glass of water when the oil is hot..Life gets cracking therafter.

Now do the regular standardized procedure of making any curry..that is spluttering mustards, adding cloves/cinnamon and cardamom and then a teaspoon of ginger garlic paste followed by sautéing the onions with the right dash of turmeric and chill powder added later on. Now add the cut broccoli cum carrot along with salt and allow it to cook for sometime. Probably you will be dead tired by now and therefore you can help yourself with a beer.

Once the carrots and broccoli is semi-cooked add coconut milk, tomatoes and water. Allow it cook till the curry looks edible. Meanwhile seperately fry dry red chilies along with curry leaves and add to the above mix.

As always call the person in house whom you hate the most and ask him to taste it.. In case there is no violent physical assault on you after this, the curry can be declared as safe for human consumption.

The below picture is the standard specimen of Carrobrocolina and the chef shares a trivia here…This one is the favourite dish of Winston Churchill and Marlin Monroe…You cant cross check that neways.. ;-P


*Goes well along with chapatti or roti…